Today, I'm Sad.

I have to give myself permission to have some bad days here and there. Through all the hurt, deceit, betrayal and pain, I still have an enormous sense of loss. I lost the one person I thought was my soul mate. The person that knew me so well. I lost the only person that I could share everything with, love, pain and the everyday boring things that no one else would care to hear about. I had a shoulder to cry on anytime I needed it. At the end of the day, although I feel so much hurt and confusion, I still miss all the good and bad. I miss laughing at things that were so stupid. I miss the sense of security, I let my guard down for so many years with a person that made me so happy, that now I don't know if I could ever let it get back down again. Every breath I took was for him and Mason. I thought I made him happy, I mean, he never told me otherwise, in fact he always told me how happy I made him, was it all a lie? I miss doing family stuff. I miss getting ready and all of us leaving to go to Mason's baseball/football game together. I miss being a part of 'couple' nights out. I miss talking. Every time I went shopping and saw something I thought he would like, I'd wish I could buy it for him, or I'd pick up a book that I thought he'd like to read. It's hard to break that habit when I shop. There are times I would give anything to go back and change things, little things that would mean so much. I would love to turn back time and open myself up a little bit more and not be so self-conscious. I would certainly change things about myself that I didn't like, but never had the motivation to change. I'm doing that now, maybe because I was forced into it. But no matter how bad things got, I always thought love conquered all, but I guess I was wrong. I still can't, for the life of me understand how it went from, 'I love you', planning vacations, etc. to 'I don't love you, it's over' in a matter of weeks. I suppose that is the hardest, no answers. I guess the simple answer is that I was not good enough for him. I guess I never met his 'standards' and when he got tired of pretending, he left. I hurt for Mason, he never deserved any of this. I just want to wrap my arms around him and make the pain go away, I feel the same pain. I would double my pain if it meant him not having any. No one ever said life was easy, but you just keep trucking through and someday all of this will be a faded memory. Sure, I've changed, he's changed, but I always thought we were growing together for something better. But for today, I mourn the loss of what could have been, what we could have changed, and what I thought we were to each other. I give myself permission to cry sometimes because it is the souls way of healing, one step at a time.