(Can't Sleep)

Ahhh, I hate nights like these. I can't sleep, so I get online or watch TV and still can't seem to get tired. I've got a lot on my mind, too. I want to talk, but can't call anyone at midnight, all I wanted all along was to talk, even if I didn't show it very well. I'm still sorting things out and wondering how things in my life have changed so drastically is such a short amount of time. How hateful once-loved ones can be, how cold, calculated and arrogant a person can be. How a gutless, unwilling to reason and cowardly person you once knew as a strong, hard-working, caring, loving person can snap in a heartbeat. How being faithful became a chore. How the most hurtful words can come out of a person you trusted your life with. How love turns to fear in an instant. How love letters that were written (and cherished) now have more hurtful feeling than loving ones. How there is no remorse. No remorse. Things that seemed to have so much meaning, mean nothing at all. Things that didn't mean anything, seem to mean so much now. I didn't ask for this. Mason and I didn't choose this. But we are the one's holding the proverbial bag. We have to pick up the pieces because no one else is. No one else is making sure he gets to/from school, eats 3 meals a day, plus about 15 snacks!, make sure he is tucked in at night, his homework is done, and that he is on time for baseball. I didn't walk away from that, I am proudly embracing it. It doesn't matter what I went through or anyone else went through as a child, bottom line is that any good parent wants better for their child, never wants them to feel any pain that you went through. Sometimes the hardest thing in life is to swallow your pride. On the final minutes of this Mother's Day, I am tooting my own horn because I deserve it. I have been here and trying to make things as normal as possible for my child. He is the reason that I get up in the morning and pray to God that I get to spend another day with him. I will never get the answers that I want because the answers that I want will never cross the lips of a coward. It's easy to walk away, it's harder to face your problems, but who knows maybe your problems could be solved by throwing them in front of a moving train, just a thought.



Perhaps there will be a big derailment ahead.