I stopped into my favorite scrapbook store yesterday, just to see what was new and to talk to Sandy, the world's best scrapbook store owner! Oh my, soooo much new Prima that my budget would not allow, but it was still so nice to look at, so after about an hour there and lots of conversation later, I got some new BoBunny paper and some letter stickers and some glitter cardstock, that is to die for!! I got it in red and it looks just like Dorothy's slippers from the Wizard of Oz!
I was looking through my scrapbooks last night and how painful. Everything I scrapped was either Mason, family vacations or funny things that Jason did. These books will be passed down to Mason, I thought he would get a lifetime of family memories, but I guess just a few short years.
All these years I thought we had the same dream. I thought we wanted the same things out of life, a family, hopefully more kids in the future, then raise them and have "us" time back. I guess I was wrong, apparently I was wrong about a lot of things. I now truly believe that he never loved me. Things are starting to "click", I see things now that maybe were warning signs. Like on a rare occasion when he would take a walk with me, he was so far ahead, it was like a race, why couldn't he slow down, hold my hand and talk? He never really wanted to walk with me. He took a day off work not too long before all of this and we planned to spend the day together, he was there with me physically, but so very far away emotionally, his mind was preoccupied with someone else. He didn't want to be there and I sensed it. But who would really have thought it was marriage-threatening? There are so many more examples. If he really ever loved me he wouldn't have been talking to other women online or on the phone. Period. He always told me that he would never cheat on anyone because he has been cheated on and he knows how it feels. Well, I guess we all have different definitions of 'cheating' but when you don't miss talking to your wife because you are talking to another woman at all hours of the day (and night), that's cheating. I just became 'something' in his way. Nice, this is the man that I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with. His "love" was never real. It couldn't be. If you truly loved someone you couldn't throw them away like a piece of garbage when things got tough. I loved him very much and even though there were times where I was mean and down right rude, I still would have done anything for him. I am sorry for those things, I really am, but I guess the thing I am most sorry for is wanting my husband upstairs with me at night instead of sitting at the computer for hours after I fell asleep. Was that too much to ask? Maybe I'm being selfish. He walks out on his family, up-roots our life and I am just supposed to roll over and take it? I don't think so. So, if he thought we had a good marriage and was looking towards a great future together and I walked out on him and Mason (which, BTW, I would never walk out on my kid), would he be "okay" with it? Like I'm supposed to be? Would he be so willing to do whatever I wanted? Why should I make anything easy on him? What has he made easy on Mason and I? I don't owe him anything, HE walked out on us. You know, I might not be as 'fun' as I was before, but fun has changed in my eyes. I grew up, I have a child and 'fun' to me is spending Friday nights watching a family movie, going on vacation with my family, enjoying a nice night on the couch with shows to watch. Maybe I'm boring, I probably am, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I like who I am and I have a lot of offer, there's always room for improvement, but I am who I am.
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