RIP Dennis Hopper, he was a great actor and I have this uncontrollable urge to watch "Speed" right now, one of the best movies ever made!

{Happy Memorial Day}

Just got back from the annual Memorial Day Parade! We could not have asked for better weather this weekend. With all the outside stuff we did this weekend, I was glad that it wasn't too humid! It's funny how a great, funny memory can instantly make you hurt, when your life is in a tailspin. As I was watching all the cars go through the parade, it reminded of a time, quite a few years ago that I was going into the post office in the town we used to live in, and suddenly we became part of the parade!! We had to get out of downtown, so we just kept driving and went along with it and waved to all the spectators, so funny! But it has a much different meaning to me now, unfortunately. Well, here's Mason walking in the parade (he's hiding behind the boy smiling!):



As I was cleaning and putting stuff away in an attempt to de-clutter, it seems that things that have been in a certain place for so long kind of 'become' that object. I was cleaning off the fridge and, even though I see this everyday, I took it down and shed a tear, Mason made this card for us when he was 5, 4 years ago:

Front:


Inside:


Back:


It breaks my heart, this is how he saw his family because we were that family. I loved it so much that I've kept it on my fridge for so many years. I will treasure this card forever. He's such a good kid who is going through so much right now, he should have his mind on summer, baseball, and swimming at the pool with his friends, not all this stuff in his life right now. I'll just tuck this card away in my 'memory' box and I'll take it out someday when he is older and we can talk about it. Isn't it strange how something so little can mean so much?

Happy Memorial Day. Remember those who served, are serving and those who gave all. God Bless each and every one of them.

[Happy Birthday To Me].

Fun, Looooong Weekend!

Tonight Mason was supposed to have a game, but we had a huge downpour and the game got cancelled, it was a make-up game due to rain, so now we'll have a make-up, make-up game! So instead, we went to the library and then got some ice cream and came home and watched a Scooby-Doo movie while eating pita chips and hummus! Sounds like a great night to me!! We have a ton of stuff planned this weekend, however I can't wait to relax! It's been awhile since I've had a 3 day weekend and it also happens to be my birthday this Sunday! Yes, another year older. This is the first birthday I will be spending 'alone' since my 19th birthday, 12 years ago. But I'm not really alone, though I will get to spend the day with Mason and his present to me is a morning at the flea market (and no grouchy attitude)!! I'm hoping that because it's a holiday weekend that the vendors will be out in full force. This flea market has gone very down-hill in past years, but I'm really hoping for the best, I have fond memories of this place, so I hope it doesn't let me down on my birthday!

Junk Day was a success! As I was going through the basement to find stuff to get rid of, I came across a CD cover from the CD "NOW". These CD's are filled with the latest 'pop' music. I had the original one, 'Now 1'. As I was walking through walmart the other day I saw, 'Now 33'! OH MY, do I feel old, lol!! The original was bought waaaaay back in 1999, so needless to say, as I flipped over the CD in the store, I hardly knew any of the 'artists' and didn't know any of the songs. Not real sure why I had the original anyway, pop music was never my thing.



Well, I succumbed to the pressure! Mason and I were coming back from his game last night and as we were turning towards our house, someone had put out a wicker, folding bookcase with 3 shelves! It was too good to pass up, we got a few laughs as we were trying to shove it in the car, but I really think Junk Day is just another word for 'free entertainment'! It's really nice, though, it is!!

So, the final episode of 24 aired on Monday. Mason had a game, so I DVR'd it and was just hoping that I could watch it before I heard what had happened. I didn't get to watch it until Wednesday night, but it was well worth the wait. I thought for sure they were going to kill Jack, I mean that would have been the perfect ending. All that he has been through and then he dies, but they didn't and the ending seemed to me to be open, as if it's not really over. It was a good ending, but I really think it could have been better. But in honor of Jack Bauer's last hours, some AWESOME t-shirts:





And my personal favorite:




I'm going to miss that show!

So, some genius decides to make .01 rubber bands into animal, food, and sports shapes, sell them for $2 a container, then market them to 3rd graders and retires as a billionaire:


(Mason took this pic because he was so thrilled to show these off!!)
I have never seen anything like this before! These things are like 'the coolest things ever', so I'm told. I went to the store that sells them to pick Mason up a pack, and there was a swarm of people digging through this enormous bucket filled with shaped rubber bands! As I made my way through the crowd to get a chance to pick through them, I hear a lady scream, "THERE THEY ARE", pointing to the bucket!! So funny! So, I got Mason a couple of packs and it made his day!

I was taking some pictures of a swampy area on my way to work and then played with editing using some color:






I love how they turned out!

Mason has a party to go to this weekend for one of his friends, so I made a card:



Now, first of all, there is a story behind the "Brojangles", that was really funny, so I thought that I would incorporate that into his card. Second of all, it's really hard to make a card for boys (or men, even). I guess I never feel I'm going to get it 'manly' enough! But this was a simple card with boy colors. Hope he likes it!!

Well, that's all for now, I'm just going to enjoy the rest of the night, maybe put in one of my horror movies and relax! Keeping my fingers crossed that the flea market rocks on Sunday!!

Today, I'm Sad.

I have to give myself permission to have some bad days here and there. Through all the hurt, deceit, betrayal and pain, I still have an enormous sense of loss. I lost the one person I thought was my soul mate. The person that knew me so well. I lost the only person that I could share everything with, love, pain and the everyday boring things that no one else would care to hear about. I had a shoulder to cry on anytime I needed it. At the end of the day, although I feel so much hurt and confusion, I still miss all the good and bad. I miss laughing at things that were so stupid. I miss the sense of security, I let my guard down for so many years with a person that made me so happy, that now I don't know if I could ever let it get back down again. Every breath I took was for him and Mason. I thought I made him happy, I mean, he never told me otherwise, in fact he always told me how happy I made him, was it all a lie? I miss doing family stuff. I miss getting ready and all of us leaving to go to Mason's baseball/football game together. I miss being a part of 'couple' nights out. I miss talking. Every time I went shopping and saw something I thought he would like, I'd wish I could buy it for him, or I'd pick up a book that I thought he'd like to read. It's hard to break that habit when I shop. There are times I would give anything to go back and change things, little things that would mean so much. I would love to turn back time and open myself up a little bit more and not be so self-conscious. I would certainly change things about myself that I didn't like, but never had the motivation to change. I'm doing that now, maybe because I was forced into it. But no matter how bad things got, I always thought love conquered all, but I guess I was wrong. I still can't, for the life of me understand how it went from, 'I love you', planning vacations, etc. to 'I don't love you, it's over' in a matter of weeks. I suppose that is the hardest, no answers. I guess the simple answer is that I was not good enough for him. I guess I never met his 'standards' and when he got tired of pretending, he left. I hurt for Mason, he never deserved any of this. I just want to wrap my arms around him and make the pain go away, I feel the same pain. I would double my pain if it meant him not having any. No one ever said life was easy, but you just keep trucking through and someday all of this will be a faded memory. Sure, I've changed, he's changed, but I always thought we were growing together for something better. But for today, I mourn the loss of what could have been, what we could have changed, and what I thought we were to each other. I give myself permission to cry sometimes because it is the souls way of healing, one step at a time.

Funny!

I've never been a fan of Winnie The Pooh (in fact I even had to look up how to spell Winnie) but I came across this on the LOLcat site and how funny!!



Oh my, did that make me laugh!

PostSecret & Shrek

Here are two of my favorite Postsecret post cards this week:



This one really 'spoke' to me, it's so simple, but means so much. It's hard to live a lie, it eventually catches up to you. You simply either keep running from it or face it. There's a good lesson written in that. I liked the next one, too:



I interpret this secret to be a person who left a life to search for their 'dream' and it appears that they are faceless, nameless and still lost even though they thought the dream they were running towards turned out to be nothing and not fulfilling.

OMGosh, we went to see Shrek 4 the other day and it was sooooo funny!



Shrek gets bored and frustrated with all the pressures of everyday life and decides he wants out. So, he leaves. Then he makes a deal with Rumpelstiltskin (which, BTW was hilarious!) and he gets this new life of fun, happiness and no responsibilities. But it's at the cost of his family. So he then realizes that the most important thing in life is family and he does everything he can to get them back. Then in the end he is finally back with his ogre-wife, Fiona and his little ogres! Puss n' Boots (Mason dubbed him Super Cat years ago, not sure why, but I still call him Super Cat!) was SO funny, he gained quite a bit of weight because he's now a pampered cat that get brushed twice a day! I highly recommend it, it's so hard to find a movie that we can both laugh so hard at, so it was well worth the movie ticket price! Oh, and don't get me started on 'Gingy' the gingerbread man!! Great movie!

On the menu today:



Ever since the "Great Pumpkin Loss" of 2009, I had such a hard time finding canned pumpkin. Never fear, I put the word out and within a month I got 4 large cans of pumpkin! Thanks to my aunts, this pumpkin traveled across state lines and right into my cabinets! So, now that I have an abundance of it, I thought why not some delicious, creamy homemade pumpkin pie for today, I can't wait to eat it!

{Beauty}

Of course, is in the eye of the beholder. Obviously, there is beauty in nature, gorgeous colors, animals, trees, etc. But how do you find beauty in average, ordinary, everyday things? Things like mud, trash and graffiti, or even feet?



I love this simple (self) picture of Mason's feet! The way he holds the camera reminds me of how I see images through the lens. A simple glimpse of real life captured forever. I hope to get more involved in photography, it's always been a passion of mine and hopefully I can pass down knowledge of it to Mason someday.

Raindrops:


I have always said that graffiti is an art form, from the spray painted brick walls in the inner city, to the sides of trains, to the amazing art splattered in subways, I have always loved how it looks: (these are pulled photos from the internet, BTW)






Beauty is everywhere and it is not perfection. I am, by far, the most beautiful woman in the world, but I deserve to have someone who treats me like I am. Beauty is not always in the physical form, it's everywhere, so go find some beauty this weekend in the most mundane of places.

Painting

Well, I think I'm finally going to breakdown and paint my bedroom. I dread the thought of it, but am really looking forward to having a 'me' space, just the way I want it. As I was thinking of all the work that goes into painting a room, I had memories of when I painted Mason's room. He left for school that morning and I got busy painting, it was kind of like a "While You Were Out" episode (only scaled WAY down!). I painted the walls blue with bubbles because it was a Spongebob room. Time was getting tight, his father put a bed together and we made it up with new sheets and a new comforter. It was so much fun and well worth the work that went into it. Mason finally got home and the excitement had to be killing him all day! When he finally saw it, the look on his face was priceless and it made every minute of frustration with painting worth it. So, maybe someone will do that for me!! How awesome would that be?? Wishful thinking! I'm not sure on the color scheme just yet, you know just deciding that I'm going to paint is enough for this week!

Hey, why not:


I saw this today while I was grocery shopping and I thought, why not try something new, it's been awhile since I picked up something strange from the grocery store. Mason and I will be trying this later tonight! We're just going to kick back and relax tonight and watch a movie, I'm making FLT's (Facon, Lettuce, Tomato) for dinner tonight with some sweet potato fries on the side. Should be delicious!

The Vacation That Wasn't Meant To Be, I Guess...

Oh, what could have been this weekend. We had made vacation plans to leave Sunday morning to drive to Mason, Ohio and stay at The Great Wolf Lodge. They have a new vortex water slide that Mason could not wait to go on (me, too!!), we searched video after video on Youtube for videos of rides like it and it looked like SO much fun. There is also an amazing grocery store called Jungle Jims that looked SO cool. Mason was really bummed when I told him this vacation was no longer, but I promised him I would make it up to him (although, I don't know how I'm going to top how fun this vacation was going to be). Our vacation last year was so-so, I try to top it every year, had I known it was going to be our last family vacation, I might have planned it somewhere besides Baltimore. But, at least I have a great memory there of spending $40 on cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory!! Delicious.

Speaking of vacation, my cousin had a senior trip to Disney World and he posted pictures on Facebook. How fun it must have been! Disney has always been on the table for a family vacation, it just always seemed to be placed very far back due to the time/travel/cost issues. I would LOVE to take Mason there at some point. It is, I imagine, fun for all ages. I've never been there, so it will be an experience for me, too. Maybe 2012? You know, before the world ends, I'd like to make it to Disney! I definitely want to be able to stay there for a week, though. I don't want to be rushed. And, do we fly?? It might take me until 2012 to work up the courage, although I would prefer to drive, it just would frustrate me spending that much time in a car when you could be spending it at the park. I don't know, I've got lots of time to decide! It's something to look forward to, though.

I REALLY...

REALLY, need to stop buying tea! I went to Wegman's today and got these:



YUM! I am brewing the chocolate one right now and it smells just like the chocolate/nutmeg dessert I have made in the past! But it's guilt free since that is made with heavy cream, egg yolks and tons of sugar! That's what makes it sooo delicious, though!!

Hmmmm...

Does he take after his mother??



I went outside to check on Mason and found him spray painting his skateboard! Spray paint makes everything better (well, glitter does, too but I'm not thinking he wants glitter on that)!

[Relaxing]

Oh, how I wish I was at the beach right now, maybe Ocean City or something, sipping an ice cold minty mojito. Wouldn't that be nice, no worries, no responsibilities, no cares in the world, just all fun, fun, fun. Not that it would be realistic for me to just "get up and go", because Mason has baseball this weekend. Maybe I'll take a mental get-a-way tonight since I can't really afford to go, but who can these days, right?

Ahhhhh....

I {Heart} Thunderstorms

For some reason I have been so tired lately, so I took another nap this afternoon. I feel so refreshed! I woke up to the best thunderstorm! I cleaned my room and rearranged it last week and it's so comfortable to be in there, now. I have the dark out curtains up and it is so dark and cool. Ahhh, I love the simple things in life. Now hopefully, I can stay up late tonight and scrap! Thank goodness it broke up the humidity, it was awful today!

Back To Scrappin' (sort of)

I stopped into my favorite scrapbook store yesterday, just to see what was new and to talk to Sandy, the world's best scrapbook store owner! Oh my, soooo much new Prima that my budget would not allow, but it was still so nice to look at, so after about an hour there and lots of conversation later, I got some new BoBunny paper and some letter stickers and some glitter cardstock, that is to die for!! I got it in red and it looks just like Dorothy's slippers from the Wizard of Oz!

I was looking through my scrapbooks last night and how painful. Everything I scrapped was either Mason, family vacations or funny things that Jason did. These books will be passed down to Mason, I thought he would get a lifetime of family memories, but I guess just a few short years.

All these years I thought we had the same dream. I thought we wanted the same things out of life, a family, hopefully more kids in the future, then raise them and have "us" time back. I guess I was wrong, apparently I was wrong about a lot of things. I now truly believe that he never loved me. Things are starting to "click", I see things now that maybe were warning signs. Like on a rare occasion when he would take a walk with me, he was so far ahead, it was like a race, why couldn't he slow down, hold my hand and talk? He never really wanted to walk with me. He took a day off work not too long before all of this and we planned to spend the day together, he was there with me physically, but so very far away emotionally, his mind was preoccupied with someone else. He didn't want to be there and I sensed it. But who would really have thought it was marriage-threatening? There are so many more examples. If he really ever loved me he wouldn't have been talking to other women online or on the phone. Period. He always told me that he would never cheat on anyone because he has been cheated on and he knows how it feels. Well, I guess we all have different definitions of 'cheating' but when you don't miss talking to your wife because you are talking to another woman at all hours of the day (and night), that's cheating. I just became 'something' in his way. Nice, this is the man that I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with. His "love" was never real. It couldn't be. If you truly loved someone you couldn't throw them away like a piece of garbage when things got tough. I loved him very much and even though there were times where I was mean and down right rude, I still would have done anything for him. I am sorry for those things, I really am, but I guess the thing I am most sorry for is wanting my husband upstairs with me at night instead of sitting at the computer for hours after I fell asleep. Was that too much to ask? Maybe I'm being selfish. He walks out on his family, up-roots our life and I am just supposed to roll over and take it? I don't think so. So, if he thought we had a good marriage and was looking towards a great future together and I walked out on him and Mason (which, BTW, I would never walk out on my kid), would he be "okay" with it? Like I'm supposed to be? Would he be so willing to do whatever I wanted? Why should I make anything easy on him? What has he made easy on Mason and I? I don't owe him anything, HE walked out on us. You know, I might not be as 'fun' as I was before, but fun has changed in my eyes. I grew up, I have a child and 'fun' to me is spending Friday nights watching a family movie, going on vacation with my family, enjoying a nice night on the couch with shows to watch. Maybe I'm boring, I probably am, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I like who I am and I have a lot of offer, there's always room for improvement, but I am who I am.

Trip down memory lane...

Since I took a very nice nap today, now I can't sleep, so I decided to organize (ok, scratch organize, I'll be honest, organize is not in my vocabulary, I was sorting through) my tons and tons of photos. I came across these:


Above: Mason at our first apartment, I love how sweet he looks! Then, the bottom one, I was goofing off and made a shirt for him!



Above: Hankey Farms! The summer before Mason was born we used to go to concerts in Pittsburgh like it was our own backyard! I caught this on the way to one of them, this is right when Mr. Hankey "starred" on South Park!
Below: I believe this was Thanksgiving 2001.


Mason and Pop-Pop, November 2002?


Above: Feeding the ducks at Penn State
Below: At a park


OHHH, Mason in the balls at McDonald's, boy do I have a story to tell to his future wife about this day! Soooo, funny!


Ahhhh, good times. Well, at least I have the pictures to remind me. I can't believe how fast time flies and how different things are. But, it is what it is.

On a side note, my left ear is KILLING me, I swear there is something wrong with it, I can't even hear out of it, it's like I'm underwater, It's driving me crazy. Now I'm off to bed (hopefully).

Sweet Ride!

At one of my stores today, I saw this:



LOVE IT! There were little painted ghosts on the back, too! Funny!
Another REALLY cool thing I saw online:



How cool is that? A modern/retro phone! It really works, too because, you guessed it, there's an app for that! I would LOVE to have this!

Last nights dinner:



The picture really isn't doing it justice, it was sweet potato fries with veggie chili on top, sooooo good. Mason and I can't get enough of these sweet potato fries, I cook them, then broil to get them super crispy. Delicious.

And, it SNOWED yesterday!!



As I pulled into the driveway today, I noticed the rhododendron (do you know how hard that flower was to look up to see how it's spelled??) starting to bloom, and it was snowing yesterday! I love that flower, I just wish they would stick around for a little longer.

Cleaning out

I have images of myself becoming the next star of "Hoarders", so this "junk day", the day where the garbage men will pick up pretty much anything but a dead body, I will be cleaning out! I guess I get emotionally attached to 'stuff' sometimes, which is not healthy. As I was cleaning out my bedroom this morning, I found these cards:



Inside:





Inside:




I suppose I will be finding things like these for the next few years. After all, if you share a home with someone for a decade, you're bound to find misplaced items that remind you of something the other person said or did. The first card has a funny memory attached to it, he spelled his name wrong and I thought that was funny. Things like this are all over, as I was cleaning up the computer, I found emails and notes written. Wow, if there was so much unhappiness I never knew about it, you wouldn't think things like this would exist from someone about to walk out on his family and who was so truly unhappy in his marriage. Apparently there are better things than working on a marriage and enjoying a family. I thought we had a love like no other, that we were going to be the one's who made it in this crazy world. But who knows, there are too many questions and not enough answers. I'm not sure what to do with these items, part of me wants to cherish what I had, but part of me wants to forget, mainly because all of the pain it brings to read these. I guess I wouldn't be human if I didn't feel love, hurt, pain, anger, loss, joy and fear. So, for now these cards will just sit here and I will let time decide what to do for me.